I haven’t written for a while.
One month and two days to be exact.
Which is a first for me ever since starting this blog, where I typically joyfully write one post per week.
But, I’ve been stuck.
And, haven’t processed it thoroughly.
Which is why I haven’t posted in the past month.
Q: Shira, what have you been stuck on during the last month?
1. Stuck on I’m a nobody (professionally).
2. Stuck on I’m in a mid-life crisis.
3. Stuck at a Crossroad.
4. Stuck on Trying to Figure Things Out.
5. Stuck on What’s Next?
6. Stuck on my Ego.
7. Stuck on All of the Above.
I’m currently not working (my year-long attempt to start-up a small business, Yoga at Work, has ended in a lost cause).
Therefore, I’m not bringing in an income.
Which means I’m home a lot (cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids).
And lost in too many thoughts.
And so, I compassionately process.
I stop (S) and take a breath.
And, tell (T) myself what I’m feeling.
And, I check in honestly to see what may be underneath (U) all of these emotions.
1. That, at the age of 40, I believe there are people in this world that may be disappointed in me that I have not become someone. Having grown up in upper-middle class suburbia and having attended a high ranked high school and two universities, I believe the world expects me to be someone professionally. These feelings are coupled with my recent visit to the States where I reunited with high schools friends all of whom seem to have become someone.
Which I have not.
2. That, I believe, it’s important that I bring in an income to my family. No matter what I may be doing, I should be earning money.
Which I am not.
3. That, I believe, it’s important how others view me. That is, if I am earning money in a reputable job, then people will have more respect for me.
Which now they don’t.
4. That, I believe, having a profession is the most important thing to create meaning in one’s life.
Which I don’t have (both a profession nor meaning in my life).
And miraculously, the moment I write all these thoughts down and really allow myself to feel these feelings, I can begin to watch them dissipate.
And realize that all of those feelings I was holding onto were just beliefs.
And not Truths.
I actually do not believe there are people in this world that are disappointed in me; and on the same breath can say with confidence that there are people in this world that are proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished.
While I do believe earning an income (in general) is important (and often times necessary), in the current family situation in which I’m in now, I am in a fortunate place where I can say earning an immediate income is not a necessity.
If people are actually judging me on whether I have a job or not (or what that job may be), then quite frankly, I probably shouldn’t care to be their friend.
And, of course having a profession is not the most important thing to create meaning in one’s life. (In fact, I could write a book on the things that have created meaning in my life and only a few of them would touch on profession.)
And so, in this space, I can choose (C) another way of believing; another perspective.
Instead of negatively looking at my life with all the “I’m nots”, I can choose to look at where I am in my life right now with a sense of curiosity.
And allow myself to recognize (and be grateful for) the freedom which I have to just be in that space for the time being.
And perhaps gently notice if something is awaiting me.
Like open doors.
Or a certain calling that I have never heeded or explored.
With patience, time will tell.
And so, in the meantime, I just remind myself it’s ok (K) that I got Stuck on All of the Above in the first place.