In preparation for this holy day, I turned inwards and brought to mind people to whom I thought I needed to ask for forgiveness.
In my small community, I thought of three people.
To be honest, I don’t actually feel like I had to ask for forgiveness for anything specific, per say, but I did feel the need to kind of “clear the air” and check in with them because recently I was feeling negative vibes from each of them.
I wanted to be upfront with them.
And ask them, in earnest, was there anything I did to them in this past year (intentionally or unintentionally) that hurt them.
So that I could, in return, sincerely apologize and request forgiveness.
So, I approached my first community friend today with that question.
He received me with welcome arms, listened to my words, said he couldn’t think of anything specific that I did, but he accepted my general apology, and in turn, said he was sorry, too.
I was happy.
Then, I approached my second community member. He responded to me saying that while he was impressed with my reaching out to him, we “don’t have a deep enough or intimate enough relationship to have this conversation.”
Yes, this is what he said to me.
I was so shocked.
That I just smiled and replied, “ok” and left.
This did not make me happy.
Finally, I approached my third community friend, by writing an email asking to set up a time to speak.
She replied, “I’m busy. Can you just tell me what you want in writing?”
So, I told her it was related to Yom Kippur stuff, asking for forgiveness, and I’d rather meet in person.
She never responded to my response.
And, I was let down.
How could this be?
How could someone honestly not give someone the opportunity to atone for their sins?
To make amends?
To say she’s sorry?
You are denying me my obligation to do a mitzvah (commandement)?
How could they?
I don’t need them anyway.
Good luck to you on the upcoming “sealing in the Good Book of Life”.
Then, I saw it.
I was stuck.
Hanging on aversion.
So, I paused.
Perhaps there was a reason for their behaviors.
Perhaps they don’t have the guts to speak to me.
Perhaps they don’t have the social ability to have such a conversation.
Perhaps they have no experience with this and are just afraid to start.
All I know is that I had the ability to just notice all of that.
And be with it.
And let it go.
And then forgive myself.
For getting stuck once again.